The Cost of Honor

Remarks Thursday 28th of November 1867, 172nd Day

Since I am a boatsteerer I head a watch and when there are none of the mates on deck I make sure to give Tobey what little comforts I can. A drink of water or a piece of my dinner or my jacket to stop him from being so cold. But he won’t even speak to me or look at me though he does eat and drink what I give him. I do not know if he is more ashamed of me or himself. Tobey is a proud man so he is probably ashamed of me and o my dear so am I though I do not know what else to do or what I could have done. We have had so much rain it has rained without relenting for days.

Remarks Friday 29th of November 1867, 173rd Day

O my dear I haven’t even been able to write to you to tell you what Tobey did to be put in irons and kept on the deck. Every time I think about it I feel so awful I can barely hold my pen and think of words to write because I see him out there in my mind and can’t stomach it.

But I should tell you maybe telling you will make my head clearer. This is what happened last Sunday.

We were gamming with the Henrietta . The first mate and Tobey and I and as many other men as would fit in the B boat without knocking each other oversides all went to go see the other ship. She was a fine ship very well kept and she had just come out of port a few weeks ago before she got becalmed with us here. All of us were having such a pleasant time on the deck playing some little games cards and wrestling I no longer remember it doesn’t matter. The weather was fine early part of the day but I asked their first mate if I could look at their barometer. I just wanted to compare it to ours to see if they were measuring the same and I had looked at ours before we left. I like checking the barometer it gives me a great comfort I don’t know why and I like to know if ours is accurate.

The first mate of the Henrietta was in a fine mood he was a cheerful man and was happy to show me the barometer. I think he was just grateful that I wanted to look at something other than their master’s wife who remained on board though she didn’t come much out of the master’s rooms other than to say good morning. When we looked at the barometer I asked the first mate Sir was it this low this morning? I was wondering if their barometer measured differently from ours or if we had truly lost almost an inch of mercury in just a few hours. He checked their log and said that no one had recorded the pressure during the morning’s watch and went to scold whoever had been on that duty. 

I was nervous but our first mate would not want to hear about my forecasts for bad weather as there was still no clouds and no wind so I went back on deck and quietly watched the horizon for some time even though Tobey wanted me to tell everyone the story of harpooning our own ship which at that time I could still laugh about though I was already feeling like there was trouble coming even if I thought it was just the weather. I couldn’t see anything on the horizon and I wished I was aloft. Our ship wasn’t even in view from deck level that was how far we were away and just how becalmed we were otherwise we would have moved closer to have an easier time gamming. And it was a long row between one vessel and the other so if there was a sign of a storm we should have left right away. But I didn’t want to speak to the first mate and o my dear I wish I had I wish I had.

At 4 P.M. I saw that clouds were forming on the horizon and other people saw them also. The first mate said they were far off and we would leave soon at 6 ½ P.M. as we had intended. But o my dear by the time we saw the clouds we were far too late. By 5 the storm was all upon us and the Henrietta ’s first mate called all hands to help furl the sails (their master was on board the Wampanoag so the first mate had to make the call.) All of us from our ship helped too of course. And there was no way we could make it back to our own ship the rain was coming down so hard that no one could see his own hand in front of his face and the wind was driving the ship sideways. It was the most terrible storm I have ever seen and I have seen many. I was so afraid for us and for all back on our ship I was sure we would both be lost at sea.

When we had gotten the ship as tight as we could the Henrietta ’s first mate sent us below. There was no room for us in the forecastle or the steerage so they let us lay down in with the animals in the blubber room as it was too terrible of weather to leave them on deck. The Henrietta was full up on provisions having just come out of port and every space was filled up in the fore tween decks. Between us and the hens and the goats it was very tight but we could hardly ask for more care from the Henrietta ’s crew it was a very bad state the whole ship was in with the weather I am thankful we were given a place at all.

Although it was difficult to sleep with the ship rolling all underneath us and the rain dripping down through the deck and without even the comfort of a bunk I did my best to sleep. I pulled my jacket tight around me and put my arms under my head and just tried so hard to keep my eyes closed. I must have gotten to sleep because I remember waking up.

We had one little lamp hung in the room otherwise it would have been too black to see anything at all and even then I could see only a little. I don’t know what woke me and I wish I hadn’t woken. I think it was that Tobey had startled the hens. I sat up and saw him or I saw just his shadow but I knew it was him. He was reaching into the hen’s boxes and taking the eggs to eat. I watched him bite them open with his teeth on both ends and then suck them right down. 

O my dear I did not know what to do. I understood why he would do it the food is so terrible on board that a man would do anything to get a good meal and I cannot really blame him. It would have been nothing if he had done it on our own ship he would have gotten a beating and had to pay for it out of his lay but we were not on our ship we were on the Henrietta and not even with the master we were with the first mate.

I tried to get him to stop I said Tobey What are you doing and I said it as quiet as I could but he didn’t listen to me or he didn’t hear me and he didn’t stop just took another egg and ate it he had the yolk all dripping down his chin. But he scared one of the hens enough to make her cluck and jump up and that was the end of it the first mate woke up from where he was sleeping and he saw Tobey with the eggs in his hand and in his mouth. I don’t know if the first mate had even recognized who it was before he leapt on Tobey like a wild animal. O my dear it was so terrible I don’t know what to say to you. Tobey’s head nearly got stove in against a crate and he was crying out like I never heard before and the whole ship could hear and be alarmed.

I leaped in between them to try to get the mate to lay off but all I got was a fist in my eye for my trouble. I yelled for him to stop I told him I would pay for it from my lay but the first mate he didn’t care not at all. 

It was only the watch on deck hearing the noise and coming down to investigate that caused him to stop. O my dear if you had seen the first mate’s eyes in that light down there in the blubber room you would have been afraid for your life. His whole face was red like the devil’s and he was like a rabid dog with spit coming out of the sides of his mouth. 

The watch woke up the Henrietta ’s first mate and the situation got explained. Tobey’s face was so all swollen up I think he bit his tongue and his lips were bloody so he couldn’t say anything but what could he have said anyway. I kept saying O please let me pay for it out of my lay and the Henrietta ’s mate asked Why had I stole eggs or anything else and I said No but please he’s my brother let me take responsibility for him. I don’t think I succeeded in anything other than making our first mate hate me more. He will take the money out of my lay but that didn’t stop Tobey from getting whipped with the first piece of rope he got his hand on in front of everyone there on deck. 

O my dear I would rather have taken that too I could barely watch. And he looked at me all through it like I should have done something and perhaps I should have but o I don’t know what I could have done. And maybe he was ashamed to see me beg but how could I just say nothing. O my dear I wish none of this had happened.

For the first mate it was a matter of honor for our ship and of course he hates to have his honor ruined by someone like Tobey and so he had to dole it out right then and there as hard as he could. Stealing was just about the worst thing he could have done except laid a hand on the master’s wife and thank God Tobey isn’t that kind of man he’s just hungry and O Lord aren’t we all?

We came back to the Wampanoag after the rain let up enough to not overturn our boat and then Tobey was tied up on deck. O I know this has happened to other men before and they lived through it but o my dear having to see him and see the state he’s in what am I supposed to do. He is my brother.

I will beg the master tomorrow morning it has been long enough hasn’t it.

Remarks Saturday 30th of November 1867, 174th Day

I did beg the master I said O Sir it has been days and you will kill him if you leave him out in the rain for one more day. I think the master wouldn’t want to kill a man like that even if the first mate’s goal was to make Tobey so sick that that he would have to be left in our next port or die. 

They let him go and I tucked him back up in the fo’c’sle and told the man who shared his bunk that he could have mine in the steerage if Tobey couldn’t move or get up. Everyone understands that Tobey is never going to be right with the first mate again and nobody wants to give him any help since that will make the first mate hate them too. Only I would bother and I’m glad Tobey at least has me otherwise he’d be dead for sure I just know it.

He’s so sick he can barely move all he does is shiver and he won’t say a word. O my dear if he does not get better I do not know what I will do. I don’t think I can stay on this ship if he is killed. You will have to forgive me for losing my lay.

Remarks Sunday 1st of December 1867, 175th Day

Tobey still sick though the rains have stopped. I don’t want to anger the first mate by going to look at the barometer. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Winds from the N and we’re heading south towards the Cape.

Remarks Monday 2nd of December 1867, 176th Day

Winds from the NNW. Bright sun. Tobey still sick. I give him whatever I can.

Remarks Tuesday 3rd of December 1867, 177th Day

Winds from the WNW. Cloudy.

Remarks Wednesday 4th of December 1867, 178th Day

Winds from the NW. Bright sun early in the day, cloudy by the afternoon. Tobey well enough to sit up and draw. I do not think he will die but he does not want to speak to me or anyone. I gave him some scrimshaw to work on and at least that is something to keep his mind off things. I hope soon he can get up and rejoin the watch as his lay is in peril the more time he spends sick.

Remarks Thursday 5th of December 1867, 179th Day

Light wind from the NNW. Rain all day.

Remarks Friday 6th of December 1867, 180th Day

Hard wind from the W. Heavy rain. Tobey finished his scrimshaw picture. He asked me to do the lettering on it as he can’t read or write. It is the first thing he has said to me in days I hope he has forgiven me or himself whichever it is that caused him to not speak to me I won’t ask. He is well enough to rejoin the watch.

O my dear I’m sure you are wondering if the reason I haven’t told you what picture Tobey drew on the whale’s tooth is that it is a dirty picture. No it is not. I don’t know what to say about it.

He drew a picture of himself tied to the mast with all the stripes on him. He has a good hand for drawings but o it is a horrible picture it makes me shiver and I don’t know why he would want such a thing. But it’s already etched into the tooth there’s no way to change it into something it’s not. I asked him what he wanted written on it and he said God Almighty Free At Last.

I didn’t write that. I wrote God Protect My Brother Tobey Cudjoe.