I'll Do a Lot for Money (But I Won't Do That)

Remarks Sunday 22nd of November 1868, 532nd Day

Breeze from the SSE. We have finished storing the last oil and were engaged in cleaning the ship and fixing the W boat. 

Well it has finally happened one of my shirts has gotten too threadbare to even mend anymore. I was on my hands and knees scrubbing and when I stood it caught on a nail on the deckhouse wall and the whole back ripped clean open from shoulder on down. I tried to just sew it up as I have many times but when I stuck my needle through to try to darn it and I tightened the thread it ripped right through and made a new hole or at least made the old hole bigger. I am sad as this was my most comfortable shirt but o it is true that linen gets the softest right before it is ruined.

I could take my second most worn shirt and sew them together so that there is twice as much fabric there but then I would have one fewer shirt to wear and I wouldn’t know what to do with the sleeves. I think there is no point in me delaying I will have to buy some fabric from the slop chest although it pains me as much as getting bitten by a shark would. 

Well maybe not that much. But I hate to spend money.

I keep looking at our position on the map and thinking about how long it would take to get to the Sandwich Islands and if we will go there. We are still very far south of them now. I think we will sometime but o it may not be for months. Our food though it is in a sorry state will still last us and the master has no intention of leaving whaling grounds until the whole crew gets the scurvy. None of us have it yet though and thank the Lord for that.

 Barometer 29.9.

Remarks Monday 23rd of November 1868, 533rd Day

O I hate feeling angry. I will put this book away until I can write without wanting to throw everything over the side of the ship. O I have never in my life been this angry. I can bear being taunted or even beat with a smile on my face but I cannot forgive being robbed.

Remarks Thursday 26th of November 1868, 536th Day

How can I even look at everyone around without getting angry I understand why men desert the ship now.

Rmarks Friday 27th of November 1868, 537th Day

You see there are pages missing. I have tried to write down what happened clearly and every time I have needed to tear it out. What a waste. I will try again.

I went to ask about getting cloth from the slop chest to repair my shirt. I knew I would have to put the price against my lay as that is just the way things go. I have no tobacco left to trade with another fellow to get him to get fabric for me, and I have no money with me in my trunk why would I. So with my hat in my hands I asked after a yard or two of fabric and how much it would cost me.

Now I have always known that getting anything from the slop you will be charged some five or six times what it costs even in a port where people will try to take everything out of a sailor’s pockets and then some. So I thought the cost was awful when the first mate told me what it would be but I would have to pay it as a man needs clothing. But the first mate opened up the account book and he said Well Amos you had better be careful there is not much left you can borrow against your lay it looks like.

I asked him what he meant as I have been very careful to buy very little even when I loaded on board and was outfitted I took most of my trunk with me from my last voyage I did not have to pay a seventy dollar advance for that. I should have had plenty remaining. But the first mate he showed me the account book and there under my name was debt after debt I had been gathering all in the master’s handwriting months of fees and fines for the eggs Tobey took and and a fine for taking care of Tobey when he was sick even though I used no medicine from the medicine chest and harpoons I had to cut loose from a whale and the damage on the W boat’s loggerhead from when we got slightly stove though what did that have to do with me and the list went on and on o I cannot even remember what it all said. I could not make myself read it all I just stood there and shook until the first mate handed me my fabric and let me go.

The master does not even get any more of his own pay when he takes from me o why does he have to steal from me what reason does he have to hate me. I have never raised a hand against him not even said anything.

I only have a 1/75 lay. Even if our ship came home with 10000 bbls. of oil (we cannot even carry anywhere near that much) and I came home with all of my share I would still not be a rich man I would just be a whaleman who needs to find work to live. Does he want to put me in my place what place does he think he’s putting me in that I am not in already? 

O I have never in my life felt more awful. I do not know what I will do. I have not told Tobey.

Remarks Saturday 28th of November 1868, 538th Day

Warm winds from the ENE. We are still on the line looking for whales. I am trying my best to keep my hands busy and to not think of it. The strange thing is that what I keep thinking about is Tobey’s scrimshaw picture the first one he did. He has done plenty since but that one is the one I am thinking of. I should have written what he asked for on it. Or maybe I should not have. I don’t know. Tobey is a cleverer man than I am or he understands the world better or at least he understood it faster than I did. I would have been a happier man if I didn’t! 

TIS A GIFT TO BE SIMPLE! TIS A GIFT TO BE FREE!

Or that is what I would write on my own picture if I had one at hand! O I have been a free man all my life and I have been lucky for it but o

Tobey came and told me what the barometer reads since I haven’t been to check it. He can see that I am in a black mood though I still have not told him why. Barometer 29.6.

Remarks Sunday 29th of November 1868, 539th Day

Winds from the E. Rain all day. I think the master must expect me to beg for the debt to be erased and maybe I will have to let go of my pride and do so. He is a cruel man so he might not even let it go even if I do ask him but o I don’t have much of a choice. Pride is a difficult thing to have and how much of a price can I put on my own. It would be so much easier if he had done all of this to Tobey it would be easy for me to ask for his sake. Lord help me. I do not think there is any way to make that man like me if there were I would say that I would wait until the end of the voyage without asking I could go three years and perhaps he would come to his senses and strike out the debt on his own. But he is a stubborn man and I do not think there is any way to sway him unless what he wants is for me to beg. But he may only want to see me ruined and not to see me beg!

Four years of my life and no pay.

I cannot put that much of a price on my pride I will ask him tomorrow. I am calm enough now that I can resolve to do that without feeling like I will choke on my tongue.

Remarks Monday 30th of November 1868, 540th Day

I found the master today while he was checking the barometer and he said Come to check the barometer Amos. I said no sir I have something that I would like to ask you if I may. I was very polite and very cautious and I tried to put my anger behind me. But he knew what I was asking for I could see it in his eyes o he is a cruel man. He said What is it then. And I said Sir I think there is something wrong with the account book where there are charges against my lay. He said Is that so. I said Yes sir I saw them when I went to buy some fabric from the slop. He said I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about I have prided this ship on keeping very careful records of all the money coming in and out it is how a business is run. And I said Yes sir I know sir but there are things charged to me that I do not believe are my fault. And he said Well Amos the charges are what they are. I said Sir please reconsider what you are doing. He just gave me a long look and he said O you don’t have to check the barometer today Amos. It’s 29.5.

O he is lucky that I am not a violent man. He is lucky.

Remarks Tuesday 1st of December 1868, 541th Day

Winds from the ESE. Tobey found me today and he asked me Are there charges against my lay too. He must have heard me yesterday or heard from someone else who was listening it is a small ship I am not surprised. I said I don’t know I did not check. He asked me Do you want me to kill him for you. I told him not to joke about that he’d end up in prison or marooned on some island or killed. He said Better than being a slave. 

O this is why I did not want to tell him.

Remarks Tuesday 2nd of December 1868, 542nd Day

Tobey fought with KJ today. Tobey started it by talking but KJ was the one who hit first or that’s what I was told. I was aloft at the time looking for whales and I did not hear it begin and I did not see it until it was too late for me to do anything. I was staring into the sun and thinking about nothing. When I heard the shouting on deck it took me some time to understand what was happening and when I looked down at everyone below it all seemed a thousand miles away and I saw Tobey laid out across the deck with KJ standing over him like Tobey’s little body on the ground was his shadow their feet together. 

John pulled KJ away and then the master came to see what the shouting on deck was and since Tobey was on the ground already he at least didn’t get whipped and the master didn’t even ask what the fight had been about he just confined KJ to the steerage for the next day and Tobey got sent to the masthead all night. It is better than being put in irons for either of them and it could have been far worse since fighting with a boatsteerer is trouble. 

I am surprised that Tobey didn’t get whipped again but the master might have had difficulty recording that in the log. It is against the law or so I believe and the master was not the one who signed on to head this voyage so he does have to be careful if he wants to be hired on again as master in the future there will be a long and close look at the logs. I wonder if the whipping Tobey got before was even recorded in the log. But it does not matter whipping is about shame and the master has other things he can do. He likes to shame people and there are plenty of other ways to make a man feel like dirt o there are plenty and I do know it. 

Whatever the reason I am glad that being sent to the masthead was all Tobey got I’m glad he wasn’t put in irons either.

I asked John what the fight had been about and he said that he did not want to repeat it. I will need to find out but of course I cannot ask KJ. He is looking at me like I am the devil. O what has happened to this ship I do not understand how it has all gone so wrong. What can I do…

Remarks Wednesday 3rd of December 1868, 543rd Day

No wind not even a breath of it. Clear all day and hot.

There is a strange feeling in the air I want to check the barometer. But it is not the air of course it is something else the way people are looking around and the way they stop talking so quickly whenever they hear someone coming. It is all nothing but trouble. Tobey has not told me what the fight was about. If the master is smart he will turn us towards the Sandwich Islands. Time on shore will let everyone forget whatever has happened and it might be a chance for Tobey and I to trade ships. There must be some other ship with two men who would rather be on another. It is a small hope but it is the only one I have.

Remarks Thursday 4th of December 1868, 544th Day

Still becalmed but clouds on the horizon I think we will have wind by tonight or tomorrow.

I could bear it no longer I asked Tobey what it was that he said to KJ. He almost did not tell me and that was how I knew it was bad but I made my demands I know how to demand things out of him now. I said if you are doing something for my sake because I knew it was whatever it had been that I deserved to know what trouble you are getting me into. He said that he told KJ directly that he thought he and the master had killed Master Paul on purpose for better lays. And so many people must have heard him! O that is not the kind of accusation that should ever be made. I saw it happen myself with KJ it was an accident and I saw the master when we went to cut the septic part of his leg off and O it was the only time I ever thought he was a human being and not the devil he did not kill him he wanted him to live else he wouldn’t have tried it at all. I told Tobey all of this I shook his shoulders and I’m sure he knows he didn’t say anything true but it doesn’t matter does it. Now it is in everyone’s head and we are all the worse for it.